Dear Targeted Marketing People, I Think You’ve Made a Mistake.

When I retrieved the mail the other day, it was the usual bills, coupons, and magazines, but one clothing magazine, which I shall call Mercury (not the magazine’s real title), mystified both my husband Jeff and me.

Don’t get me wrong. Years ago, my college Visa and I had an uber-blast ordering from Vickie’s Secret’s hottie college girl clothing line. I ordered cute tops, skirts, dresses, and bathing suits for college bars, Mexican Mondays, my end-of-grad-school cruise…as well as just hanging out. So cute. So bad for my credit history.

When I began dating Jeff, he loved my college hottie clothes. He did not love my credit card bills once we got married. Yeesh. So my days of magazine ordering, bopping into a boutique to buy a top for the night’s outing…ancient history. And then we got married. And then I was buying maternity clothes four months later.

After we put the sleepy kids in their beds, we perused this little jewel, Mercury magazine.

Jeff: Carrie, what did you do?

Me: Excuse me?

Jeff: Why is this magazine in our mailbox? You don’t wear this stuff. Not that I’m complaining, mind you….

Me: I don’t even know what Mercury is. Maybe the marketing people linked me because of another magazine I like, or something on Facebook? You know they sell your name and address to other companies. That’s probably what happened.

Jeff: Hmmm… (he hasn’t looked up from the magazine’s hottie girls with short, tight clothes on long enough to hear what I’ve just said).

Me: Hello?

Jeff: Sorry. Hey…maybe this might look good on you? (still perusing, hasn’t made eye contact in three minutes, studying the clothes ever-intently)

Me: Um, no. She is 21. Maybe younger. She has clearly never had children. Her boobs are pointing at Mercury. Maybe that’s how they named the magazine?

Jeff: Hmmm…

Me: Besides, where would I wear that?

So now, in an effort to comically sex up my wardrobe, I have decided to match my life and activities with pictures I found in the magazine.

The Around-the-House Red Dress: This would be a great outfit for just hanging out at home, doing what I normally do. Nothing says laundry, cooking, cleaning, bathing kids, and changing dirty diapers like a red-hot little number that doesn’t make it below my fingertips (remember that dress code rule from junior high?).

The Zipper Dress: I can see it now…the people at my local grocery store would just die over this outfit. Please excuse my 2yo Sawyer, who would make a game of going for the zipper and pulling it down throughout the store. But let’s be honest. It wouldn’t be my first nightmare in Kroger or the first time a kid helped me accidentally flash strangers in public.

The Ballpark Leopard Jumpsuit: I can’t wait to strut my stuff at the 7yo’s softball games and the 4yo’s t-ball games this spring in this tube top leopard jumpsuit. It would be so comfy to throw some warm-up pitches with my kids and do the wave with the other parents in this getup. Bonus points for needing to go to the bathroom and having to strip off 80% of my clothes in the ballpark bathroom. Hot, right?

The Bathing Suit: I don’t even know if this is considered a one-piece or two-piece swimsuit, but I do know that it will be so cute at the pool while I’m catching toddlers jumping off the side of the pool (spitting water out as they come up for air, usually in my face). I will also be judging cannonball contests, slathering zinc oxide on my kids’ every exposed surface, and doling out poolside snacks and Capri-Suns, all while making sure to be noticed in this thing. (Bonus points for bathroom trips on this one as well.)

The “Hold U In” Dresses: I must admit that Mercury finally got a little closer to my heart with the dresses that promised to hold it all in. I’m thinking the Methodists at my church would be totally thrilled with either of these ensembles. While I normally attend the more contemporary service, I think I would probably rock this in the century-old sanctuary with the more conservative crowd. After teaching children’s Sunday school, of course.

The PTO Jumpsuit: Nothing says caring for your children like wearing a bra-optional top that could incite an anatomy lesson with only a slight gust of wind. What could be more appropriate at an elementary school PTO meeting? They would probably elect me President, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I love to wear cute clothes. Jeff wonders why I still want to shop when I have no job (outside the home) and few places to go, and it’s because I haven’t given up. Yes, I have days of wearing ugly sweats around while I clean the house or pajamas well into the afternoon, but I really do try to make an effort to be presentable!

I’m not sure how Mercury snuck its way into my mailbox, and yes, there may have once been a day, long LONG in the past, when I would’ve maybe worn something in this magazine and looked cute doing it…but, Targeted Marketing People, I think that ship has sailed. Thanks for thinking of me, though! Jeff thanks you, too!